Women at Risk: The Hazards of a Bad Relationship

Abusive men, and women (physical or mental), are all about control and frequently evolve from abusive homes themselves. Police desire to help abused women, but often even after a complaint has been filed, women will not pursue the charges out of fear. Feeling helpless, they are often terrified, brain-washed and really believe that they have nowhere to go. It is not uncommon for an abuser to be very charismatic and after beating his victim return home the following day with flowers showing great affection to his victim. Unfortunately, the victim tends to believe the transparent words “I’ll never do it again!”

One of the most frustrating things for family and friends outside a battering relationship is trying to understand why the abused person doesn’t just leave. It is important to remember that extreme emotional abuse is always present in domestic violence situations. Violence takes place in many forms, is unpredictable and can happen all of the time or just once in a while. Violence is criminal including physical and sexual assault. It is paramount to remember that physical violence, even among family members, is wrong and against the law.

Some of the reasons partners stay in domestic violence situations are:

1. Economic dependence.
2. Fear of greater physical danger or danger for children.
3. Fear of being hunted down and suffering worse beatings.
4. Survival. Fear that the abuser will kill.
5. Fear of emotional damage to children.
6. Fear of losing custody of children.
7. Lack of alternative housing.
8. Lack of job skills.
9. Social isolation resulting in lack of support from family and friends.
10. Social isolation resulting in lack of information about her alternatives and support systems.
11. Lack of understanding from family and friends, police, ministers.
12. Negative response from community, police, courts, social workers.
13. Fear of involvement in the court process.
14. Fear of the unknown, chronic anxiety, and/or depression.
15. Acceptable violence. Living with constant abuse numbs the victim so that they are unable to recognize that they are involved in a set pattern.
16. Ties to the community. The children would have to leave their school, and family would have to leave friends and neighbors.
17. Ties to home and belongings.
18. Family pressure.
19. Denial.
20. Loyalty.
21. Love. Often an abuser is quite loveable and loyal when he is not being abusive.
22. Shame and humiliation. “I don’t want anyone else to know.”
23. Guilt. They believe the abuse is caused by some inadequacy of their own.
24. Demolished self-esteem.
25. Lack of emotional support.

The following is a bill of rights for women in abusive relationships:

1. I have the right to ask for what I want.
2. I have the right to say no to requests or demands I can’t meet.
3. I have the right to express all of my feelings, positive or negative.
4. I have the right to change my mind.
5. I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.
6. I have the right to follow my own values and standards.
7. I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe or it violates my values.
8. I have the right to determine my own priorities.
9. I have the right not to be responsible for others’ behavior, actions, feelings or problems.
10. I have the right to expect honesty from others.
11. I have the right to be angry at someone I love.
12. I have the right to be uniquely myself.
13. I have the right to feel scared and say “I’m afraid.”
14. I have the right to say “I don’t know.”
15. I have the right not to give excuses or reasons for my behavior.
16. I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings.
17. I have the right to my own needs for personal space and time.
18. I have the right to be playful and frivolous.
19. I have the right to be healthier than those around me.
20. I have the right to make friends.
21. I have the right to change and grow.
22. I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect.
23. I have the right to be happy.

Anyone can be a victim of domestic violence. Although both men and women can be abused, most victims are women. Children in homes where there is domestic violence are more likely to be abused or neglected. Even if the children are not physically harmed, they are likely to have serious emotional and behavioral problems and scars.

Abusers try to control their victim’s lives. When abusers feel a loss of control – like when the abused person leaves them – the abuse may get worse. If you are in an abusive situation, take special precautions when you leave. Develop a safety plan.

Battered Women: End the Violence (the Protective Order)

The Texas Health and Human Services commission reported an estimated 982,916 Texas women were victims of domestic violence in the year 2006. In Texas, more than 800 women were killed by their domestic partners between 1998 and 2005. These statistics evidence the growing number of women in need of protection.

The legal system can offer some protection from family violence through the use of a Protective Order. A Protective Order is a civil court order that is designed to restrain an abuser from continuing acts of violence and threatening, harassing, or stalking conduct. All victims of family violence are eligible for a Protective Order. A court shall render a protective order if it finds that family violence has occurred and is likely to occur in the future. A victim’s testimony about family violence may be enough to obtain a protective order, without other documents such as a police reports.

Family, in Texas, has a very broad definition. Family can include relatives by blood or marriage, former spouses, parents of the same child (even if not married), foster parents or foster children, or any member or former member of a household (whether related by blood or marriage). Any adult member of the family may file for a Protective Order to protect himself or herself or any other member of the applicant’s family or household, including children or the elderly. The application may be obtained through the office of the county or district attorney, a private attorney or a legal aid program.

Protective orders can be important in ending or deterring family violence. The purpose of the order is to: prevent future violence, identify appropriate and inappropriate behavior and reinforce beliefs that family violence is wrong. A judge can create various conditions of a Protective Order. In such order he can force a respondent to vacate a residence, pay child support, attend counseling, and/or not possess a firearm. A Protective Order can require the abuser to stay away from the victim’s home, workplace, children, children’s school, and to keep a specific distance between the abuser and the victim. It can order the abuser to stop communicating in a harassing or threatening manner. Abusers who violate a protective order can be fined, arrested or both. Keep in mind, no piece of paper can protect you from all incidents of violence; however, a Protective Order provides a good deterrent in most situations.

If the court reviewing the application determines there is a real threat of family violence, the court may issue a temporary ex parte order without notice to the abuser which is valid for up to 20 days. The court will then set a hearing date for the final protective order which will take place within the 20 day period. At the final hearing, if the court so determines necessary, it may grant a final Protective Order that may be effective for up to two years.

Protective Orders are also available for people going through divorce. In this case, the Protective Order must be filed in the same court where the divorce is pending and the pleadings in both matters must state that the other matter is pending. It is important to remember that a Protective Order is not a custody determination and can not be used by one party to gain an advantage in a divorce proceeding.

Please contact your local law enforcement or domestic violence prevention agency immediately if you or someone you care about is a victim of family violence. Even if you are not eligible for a Protective Order, there may be other options available. For information on family violence contact the Texas Council on Family Violence, P.O. Box 161810, Austin, Texas 78716; Phone Number (512) 794-1133;
Website: http://www.tcfv.org.

The following is a safety planning list of things to get together if you are planning to leave: If you have children, take them and take your pets if you can:

Identification for yourself and your children:
Birth certificates
Social security cards
Driver’s license
Photo identification or passport
Welfare identification
Green card

Important personal papers:
Marriage certificate
Divorce papers
Custody orders
Protective orders or restraining orders
Health insurance papers and medical cards
Medical records for family members
School records for children
Investment papers/records and account numbers
Work permits
Immigration papers
Rental agreements/lease or house deed
Car title, registration and insurance information

Funds:
Cash
Credit cards
ATM card
Checkbook and bank (deposit slips)

Keys:
House
Car
Safety deposit box
Post office box

Way to communicate:
Phone calling card
Cell phone (pay as you go phone is less traceable)
Address book

Medications:
At least 1 month’s supply of all medications

Way to get by:
Jewelry or small objects you can sell if you run out of money
or your account access gets cut off

Things to help you cope:
Pictures
Keepsakes
Children’s small toys and books